When you don't appear to have any physical rituals, it seems very logical to assume that you only have obsessions, and no compulsions. This is where the "Pure-O" label originates, in the idea of being purely obsessional. What I have discovered in treatment is that compulsions or rituals that take place in my mind are every bit as real as those that are visible to the rest of the world. Compulsing is the glue that makes an obsessive thought stick(after the initial hit of relief). It reminds of times I have tried to fix something I perceive as a flaw, and ending up making it worse, because the thought of walking away without trying to get rid of it seems too anxiety provoking. There are some thoughts that if I imagine letting them pass, I get very anxious, because I must make sure they aren't true, or I believe they say something about me as a person. If I get involved in the battle against them, I lose every time. Going over conversations in my mind, reconstructing wha...

Macquarie University's Centre for Emotional Health in Australia contacted me about passing on information about a free online course they are offering for dealing with OCD. I checked out their About Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) factsheet, and they advocate for Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy, so if you live in Australia, this could be helpful. Here are some details: The eCentreClinic OCD Course is a 5-lesson cognitive and behavioural treatment package that delivers remote evidence- based treatment. The treatment includes techniques that would normally be delivered in face to face treatment. The main emphasis is on exposure and response prevention however the Course also includes a strong cognitive component. The OCD Course is delivered over 8 weeks and the participant has bi-weekly telephone contact with a Clinical Psychologist who is experienced in the treatment of OCD. The Course is open to individuals with all subtypes of obsessive compulsive disorder (with the...

I concealed my anxiety from my husband as much as possible for the first couple years we knew each other. I was ashamed of my fearfulness. One summer during college, I moved in with him because I couldn't find a job. I had a blast of anxiety that I had a swollen lymph node behind my ear and that this meant I had cancer. Without a job, I spent hours obsessing, lost in anxiety. I went down to the tiny public library, with its creaky floors and looked at medical reference books, which gave a momentary hit of relief, and then the anxiety started up again. I finally told him about my anxious fears. It felt like confession. He had great compassion for my suffering. My pattern became long stretches of anxiety, which I hid from my husband as long as I could, and then several times a year, I would reach such a depth of anxiety that I would confess my fears to him, and cry raggedly into his chest. One summer in grad school, I felt tingling in my fingers, and had a burst of anxiousness, and w...

Thinking about my time, it occurred to me that I do a lot of "busy work" in relation to my OCD. In fact, my compulsions are busy work incarnate. I remember being in school, and teachers giving out worksheets to keep us quiet, that didn't actually lead to learning anything, and compulsions are similar way to keep the OCD quiet, except of course it manages to come back squawking! Yesterday, I was in a store with a whole aisle of picture frames, and I felt a wave of anxiety that I needed to make sure I didn't miss one that was the right size, so I'm glued to the shelves, picking frames up and putting them down, and the frame I eventually bought doesn't fit anyway, not to mention that there was no real urgency to get a frame, except in my own OCD mind. I came home and did some of the things I really needed to do. My husband was going to do a craft show by himself this weekend, but since I'm not going to the IOCDF Conference, I am going with him, and needed to ...

Emetophobia is part of my health anxiety history. When I was 11, I got sick to my stomach, and my mother gave me some sort of medicine from a cold spoon, and I promptly threw it up. Maybe I wouldn't have reacted as strongly, if she hadn't given me another spoon of medicine a few minutes later, and of course, back up it came. I vowed from that moment that I would never throw up again. I kept my vow for over 12 years, but this vow came with a cost, as it was intertwined with my OCD. If I felt the slightest twinge of stomach discomfort or nausea, I would keep checking the sensations, trying to figure them out, diagnose them, and this would make my stomach even more tense and uncomfortable. Then I would start drinking water, with the idea that I could dilute the toxins with fluid. I'd be up all night, drinking glasses of water and unable to sleep because of my hypervigilance. Finally, I ate something that was truly toxic, and my body wanted it out, and I threw up at age 23. It ...

Dream by Nutmeg Designs The other night I had a dream that I was filling out a survey and the man across the table said he couldn't do it, that he was overwhelmed with deciding what to answer.  I leaned over and suggested that he guess.  Immediately, I realized that this would sound "easier said than done," and I made the decision to tell him that I knew it was difficult when obsessing to guess.   I felt both anxious that I was telling him I knew what it was like to have OCD, and relieved.  I woke up with still imbued with both feelings. When I started this blog in 2010, it was an exposure to the anxiety that I would write the wrong thing. I guessed what to say.  It sounds odd to say I guessed, but that's what it felt like, because anything less than perfection felt incredibly unmoored and tentative.  The community of readers, and other bloggers was sustaining when I struggled with pervasiveness of my OCD.  There is power in being able to articulate an...

I was in psychodynamic therapy for 6 years with a therapist who said I had OCD, but who didn't have a plan to treat my OCD beyond having me avoid my triggers. Previous to that I had several other therapists who didn't really have a clue about my OCD. Here are some things to watch out for--hopefully this will help you find help more effectively and not have to go through the delay I experienced in finally getting Exposure and Response Prevention(ERP) therapy. Affirmations. If a therapist tells you to repeat affirmations about being a good person, good father, good teacher, good Christian, good whatever, in order to counteract scary, violent, disturbing thoughts, this just feeds the fire, prompting ever more desperation in trying to prove it to yourself that you are not a monster or a danger to others. This is different from having a compassionate therapist who asserts your value as a human being and encourages you to take your life back from the OCD and any other negative deeply...

OCD Reflections had a recent post about White Hot Anger that struck a chord with me, about how she usually keeps her frustration to herself, and if she is angry, it must be fully justifiable, and also gets angry at herself for getting angry. I was the girl who quickly learned that anger was a really bad idea in my family. When my father left he told me I had no reason to be angry, but he was the same person, just in a different context. My parents never fought. I can only remember one disagreement articulated, about whether or not a minor cut needs a bandage, or to fresh air. This aversion to anger got entangled with my OCD, and when I felt anger, I immediately started analyzing it, trying to figure out if I was justified to feel angry, retracing the conversation, attempting to reconstruct every word. By the time I did this gauntlet of compulsing, the anger was even stronger. One of my feared consequences was that I wouldn't survive feeling angry, that it was dangerous. Another fea...